It’s been a while…
I’m back to work. Well actually I was back to work for a week and then we moved everything to remote operations. I had begged my boss to let me wear sweatpants to work. I didn’t really think that would be a possibility, but it looks like this is where we are because there is a global pandemic that has just started impacting us. In the meantime, it’s business as usual via Zoom. My (work) team is managing to keep things moving through this brave, new reality and I am so proud of them.
My treatment team is also continuing to provide support. My night program is remote, as are my outpatient therapist and dietitian. While most of this works, I find there is a bit of a (natural) shield in being remote. I am distanced from others, and also myself. I have managed to get drunk during IOP a couple of times, which I’m sure would get me booted if they knew. I’ve also added walking back into my daily routine. With the change to a remote life, body movement has to be more directed and purposeful. The dietitian agreed to give me 20 minutes of walking a day and I have let Chuck take advantage. In the last week or so that has tallied up to 20 miles of walking.
Yet, despite these “behaviors” I continue to eat, which makes my body grow. I know this growing body is the weight restoration part of recovery. Life feels so unfucking fair though. Why did I have to inherit a body that wants to be bigger? Yet, I acknowledge that I experience thin privilege. I can still fit into sizes in the stores, seats on the planes and have freedom from judgement when I order food off of a menu at the restaurant. This privilege still astonishes me after the absolute tormenting I received as a kid. I can’t even begin to imagine what my friends who were in bigger bodies experienced from their peers growing up.
Regardless of all this acknowledgment of privilege and managing to still be well during this pandemic crisis – I am nevertheless struggling hard today. I want to fix all the things that feel out of control and wrong. Since there are very few things I can actually control, the desire falls back onto my body.
What do I want to fix? I want to fix the fact that I’m uncomfortable in the world. That my hands don’t fit so loosely around my calves or wrists any longer. That I would choose sweatpants over jeans now because that means something about me. That I’ve integrated grains and bread back into my diet for the sake of recovery. I feel out of control when I eat them. That my forearms look like Popeye’s when I am heavier. That my belly jiggles when I jump up and down. That my back and hip are always fucking painful. That I’m a fucking gender fuck and so afraid to be myself in the world. That I feel like no one who raised me understands me or has any desire to. That I could lose these same people and others in this pandemic. That I too could die. That I would choose the safety of my “work identity” over my authentic self in the world and quit taking testosterone as a result. That I’ve gone soft and lost my muscle. That I’m fucking anxious all the time. That my appetite feels out of control ALL OF THE TIME! That gainng weight is a fucking failure.
Of course it seems like the easiest thing to do would be to restrict and shrink. Drinking would also be an easy way to numb out. I am leaning toward drinking right now. It isn’t as hard as shrinking and tends to work faster…
Reminder to self: We are in an unprecedented time right now. It is normal to desire numbness. It is normal to want Chuck to take charge. It is normal to want to feel safe at this time. It is all normal. It’s also ok.
This is random – I bought myself a skateboard in an effort to learn a new skill. In trying to keep up with my kid yesterday, I wiped out – scraped my elbow and bruised my wrists. I fell HARD. I wanted to stay down. I wanted a car to run over me. I got up though. Why? Because I had to. It wasn’t just about me…
This is what recovering from an eating disorder looks like, in general and during a GLOBAL PANDEMIC! Messy, bloody, painful and scary while gaining new skills, learning to persevere, and trusting in and having compassion for the self. No matter what my urges or behaviors right now, I’m trying to survive and so are you.
Let’s keep getting up.
