It has been more than a year since I’ve written anything on this blog. Looking back I have to wonder why my words appear to be so wise and yet my actions are still so immature? The reactions. The autopilot. The coping strategies. In addition to my usual treatment team, I’ve added an internal family … Continue reading Wise Words, Old Actions
This Guy
“People die a thousand times to get to who they are,” - Zach Bryan. I think recovery is about releasing prior versions of ourselves to become who we are meant to be. I have many beliefs about who I am and they don’t include eating six times a day. They don’t include eating freely or … Continue reading This Guy
What the Actual Frick?
I often ask myself - “What the fuck am I doing?” There is this autopilot part of me that takes over when I don’t want to show up. It utilizes all of my old coping strategies, like the eating disorder. I've been struggling as of late. I put on quite a bit of weight in … Continue reading What the Actual Frick?
Daddy Vibes
“I’m vanilla baby. I’ll choke you, but I ain’t no killer, baby…” (“Lovin’ on Me, Jack Harlow). After the wife and I separated and the dating apps were installed and profiles set up, the world of kink opened up to me. I thought I wasn’t particularly kinky, but then I did some research, and yeah, … Continue reading Daddy Vibes
Bathrooms
Last night my kid vanished into the bathroom. When she returned, she told me how she was sitting on the toilet just thinking and how home bathrooms are safe. You can lock the door and rest your tush somewhat comfortably on that ceramic, plastic or padded donut. I have to agree that home bathrooms are … Continue reading Bathrooms
Shifting Gears
I want to honor where I've been on this journey and, at the same time, shake things up a bit. I’ve stowed many of my old posts away in archives, which I can’t seem to figure out how to create a link to. In time, I suppose. As is the same in healing and recovery. … Continue reading Shifting Gears
Letter of Hope
As I reintegrate myself into the world after another 8 weeks of residential treatment, I'm reflecting on something I wrote last year. My therapist in treatment said the key to recovery from anything, is to have and maintain hope. I wrote this "letter of hope" as I was discovering language to describe my experience with … Continue reading Letter of Hope
Recovery during a Global Pandemic
It’s been a while… I’m back to work. Well actually I was back to work for a week and then we moved everything to remote operations. I had begged my boss to let me wear sweatpants to work. I didn’t really think that would be a possibility, but it looks like this is where we … Continue reading Recovery during a Global Pandemic
Chuck, You’re an Asshole!
Chuck is my asshole, coach, drill sergeant and he resides comfortably in my head. I’ve spent the last 6-ish weeks making decisions and taking actions that are opposite to what Chuck, the eating disorder, wants. Some days are easier than others. When I got to residential, I was certain that I wasn’t sick enough and … Continue reading Chuck, You’re an Asshole!
Grieving as a part of recovery and discovery
My RD sent along a link to the following Podcast featuring Meredith Noble. Meredith works with fat people on body acceptance using the concepts of Health At Every Size (HAES). She has a poignant article on grieving the Thin Ideal as one ventures down the HAES path. Basically diet culture has fucked us all over, … Continue reading Grieving as a part of recovery and discovery