“I’m vanilla baby. I’ll choke you, but I ain’t no killer, baby…” (“Lovin’ on Me, Jack Harlow). After the wife and I separated and the dating apps were installed and profiles set up, the world of kink opened up to me. I thought I wasn’t particularly kinky, but then I did some research, and yeah, I might be a little. I don’t remember this being a thing back when I was in my single slut phase. (Wait, did I ever have that phase?) Perhaps back then it was just sex.
While in treatment in 2023, someone asked me how I felt about being called “Daddy.” He definitely meant it in a dom daddy type way, vs. the “House Dad” vibe I give off. In general, Daddy is a persona I like and identify with. But I have a lot of insecurity, or maybe lack of experience when it comes to being a dom daddy. (Or do I?) I want to be more communicative, demanding and assertive both in the bedroom and in life. Carry myself in a “don’t fuck with me, but I’ll take care of you,” kind of way. Wait, maybe I already do have that vibe. Am I an insecure Dom Daddy already? Can you be insecure and a dom at the same time?
I have been very disconnected from my own wants/desires. Speaking my needs or wants into existence is a challenge, and I’m working on it. I want to actually be in a slut phase with the ability to utilize another human to get my needs met. Safety is still such a huge thing for me and it requires some level of connection. How can I be a slut if I also need connection in order to feel safe? How do I get my needs met when there are expectations of me in the bedroom? For some reason, I’ll put meeting those expectations above any of my own needs.. So having a “daddy vibe,” right now, means meeting expectations of some sort. Are you catching my dilemma?
In any case, I think it is an evolution. There was one treatment center where I was donned “House Dad” – the protector of the house and humans in it. This is easy for me and why Mr. Incredible is one of my favorite superheroes. I also carry this same idea to parenting. For a long time I have been called “Maddy.” This is the non-binary mixture of mommy and daddy. But now that I’ve embraced my transmasculinity, I feel like daddy fits better. I’m not sure I’ll get my kiddo to address me as such, considering she is SO PROUD to have two “moms.” “Walker, your mom is here to pick you up,” is a common thing I’ll hear from her peers. This cuts me deeply every single time. I’ve talked to my kid about at least being referred to as a parent. I’ve corrected her friends, but it never changes. (This also causes me pain, because I assume I just look like a butch dyke.)
I digress…
In any case, there are three versions of “daddy” that I relate to. Two of them I’m still working on and there is no resolution in this post. I wanted to tease apart all the daddy-vibes I already relate to and those I’m still exploring. Life is really different dating in the 2020s vs the 1990s. There are so many labels and vibes and rules. How does a person not suffocate from all the performance anxiety?
