I am a master at self-loathing. My awareness of it all has really blown up over the last year and frankly life is too short to be consumed by hating myself.
I’ve tried diets to transform what I see in the mirror. I’ve fought my “fat genes” hard. I work out all the time. I fight chronic pain and an autoimmune disease. I am a parent and a professional. I have tried to fit into molds and gain approval from family my whole life. Yet, there is a disconnect between who I see in the mirror and who I see in my mind. “You’re not the daughter I wanted, but are the daughter I needed.”
I want to raise my son from a place of self love and acceptance. I want him to know he can create himself into the type of person he wants to be, not what I want. How best can I do that? To lead by example and to live an authentic life. After over forty years in this world, I am truly exploring the question, “who am I?”
The one thing I can say for certain is that this question truly boils down to my “being” in the world. Less of what I do, but more of who I am in terms of stereotypes and trying to fit into molds. I’m just going to say it… I don’t identify with my vagina. Does anyone? I do not identify with female gender norms and roles. I do not like make up or long hair. I see myself as very masculine, but I do not understand men. I feel boyish and soft. I feel like leg and armpit hair are just extensions of pubic hair and shouldn’t be shown in public. I have been in this binary world for a while and wrapping my own head around what is possible is part of this journey.
Hopefully getting it out of my head, will help the process. Welcome.
