I want to honor where I’ve been on this journey and, at the same time, shake things up a bit. I’ve stowed many of my old posts away in archives, which I can’t seem to figure out how to create a link to. In time, I suppose. As is the same in healing and recovery. In time…
I turn 50 (!!) this year and have donned this the year of adventure and exploration. It has gotten off to a bit of a rocky start though. I have this idea of who I want to be and the reality is that I’m not there yet. Plus, I have been in a major depressive episode, which has kept me from engaging in the world and with others. I’ve been doing a lot of bedrotting and isolating. I might be feeling a bit more myself in the last two days though, so I have some hope that my year will pan out as planned.
But there are current events that have a deep impact on me and people, in general. There is so much hatred in the world and as a trans, queer person, it feels downright dangerous. We’re in another election year and it looks like it’s going to be another gross display of bullshit with a Trump/Biden ballot. There is a genocide happening to Palestinians by Israel and our country continues to fund Israel. Russia keeps threatening nuclear annihilation at every opportunity. Things are looking bleak folx, and I feel all of it.
There is nothing I can do to control any of it. I feel powerless and yet still need to put on a good face for my child, who will continue to be part of this world long after I am gone. It is exhausting, frankly. But let’s focus on the adventure part of this year.
I’ve found myself in a new place in recovery, though I’m teetering on the edge of my old patterns. There are two truths – I can gain a sense of control with my eating disorder AND, I want to recover. A relapse will keep me stuck. Being stuck feels safer, because then I won’t have to deal with vulnerability and emotions in a world that doesn’t support me and is run by dick-waving men. Toxic masculinity has kept me from moving towards myself because of what it means to be a man in today’s world. I don’t have to be that kind of man though. (I still don’t know how I’ll make it through another Trump presidency if that happens.) I digress though.
I have some travel plans in the coming months. Much of April I will be in the Midwest for work-related stuff. I’ll have to wear real pants, which makes me a little nervous. (I’m laughing because I know I’m not the only one who has spent the last four years in sweatpants.) In May, I’m traveling to Dallas and Portland, OR for fun. I’d like to take my kid on a roadtrip to Denver in August, mostly to see friends along the way. I’m not sure the kiddo is up for what I’m envisioning. The biggest news is that I’ll be starting an MSW program in the fall.
So yeah, there isn’t a whole lot of room for the suffering that my ED inflicts in all of that. I want to spend this year blogging more about the adventures than the pain – from Grindr and other sexy adventures to travel, growing my queer army, watching my kiddo walk into their eleventh year on this planet, making art, staring school, eating ice cream and getting tattoos.. Life is short and I’ve spent too many years grinding.
