“People die a thousand times to get to who they are,” – Zach Bryan.
I think recovery is about releasing prior versions of ourselves to become who we are meant to be. I have many beliefs about who I am and they don’t include eating six times a day. They don’t include eating freely or having sweets after a full meal. Who I am today was based on early experiences with my body and weight gain/loss. AND, they also keep me stuck. It is hard to become a new version of myself while holding on so tightly to the past.
Many core beliefs were created early on in life. I think we all have experienced hardship and trauma on some level and those experiences have created our coping strategies and identities. I tend to experience frequent emotional flashbacks that set off a cascade of reactions/events. “I am unacceptable” is my core belief and, as my therapist reminds me, just because it is a core belief doesn’t mean it is true.
Let me tell you that there is a version of me running around now that I don’t recognize. First, I am attracted to masculine energy and physique. I have spent a good portion of my life hating men and myself as a result. It seems like the second I allowed myself to claim my transmasc identity, my attraction laser focused on men and T-boys. I had a friend suggest that this shift actually makes sense. I’m gay. Gay means being attracted to those of the same sex. So here I am a trans man. Of course me and my gay ass would be attracted to men. I’m a full blown homosexual.
I guess the point of this post is that I’ve never been this version of me before. I’ve never been “this guy.” I want to say that this guy eats snacks and has freedom around food. That he’s up for all adventures and sexual experiences. I want to say he’s not afraid to go into the men’s room and to experience joy. I want him to be ok. My SI kicks into full gear with these thoughts though – seemingly impossible thoughts of becoming the guy I want to be. Everytime I try, I am gut punched and reminded that I’m not him, yet. “Yet!” Such a powerful and hopeful word. But I am the version of me that I am right now, right here. How can I be in this body and be adventurous with it?
I’m about to start a month of travel, so I put myself back on Grindr, as a reminder that I am up for trying again. I think apps like this are hard. There are basic human needs that we want to get met, and there is also a need for safety. How do these two things balance with randos on the internet? Especially with men, who for so long were dangerous to me and in a body that I’m trying not to control any longer? Adventures abound and I’m sure I’ll share some of it here.
Anway, this guy needs to get ready for work.
