It has been more than a year since I’ve written anything on this blog. Looking back I have to wonder why my words appear to be so wise and yet my actions are still so immature? The reactions. The autopilot. The coping strategies. In addition to my usual treatment team, I’ve added an internal family systems (IFS) therapist to the mix. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it even though I was introduced to it a number of years ago at a treatment center. It intrigues me.
Think about Systems Theory and the idea that the “system” is trying to maintain homeostasis. This is how the body functions. It is miraculous how hard the body works to ensure that temperature, energy levels, heart rate, blood pressure, and general health are maintained. All of these functions in our bodies happen naturally, without thought. We can think of our internal (emotional) system in the same way. We live our lives, experience emotional and physical events, traumas, or situations that may disrupt our emotional systems. So we develop ways of finding balance again. These parts develop with different roles – all in the name of helping us. So yes, even that eating disorder part is trying to protect you. I’m not going to get into all the logistics and names for the parts. If it interests you, check out the IFS Institute for more details. In general though, we get hooked or “blended” with different parts. You know when you say, “part of me wants to go to that concert, but now that I’ve paid all that money and the night has arrived and it’s time to go, a bigger part wants to stay home.” Then you have a judgmental part that scolds you for wasting money on that ticket and the part that is just relieved to be able to throw on sweats and cozy up to a puzzle for the night.
Anyway, at times it feels insane. Like I have multiple personalities. The goal is to become more “self” led, which is the internal leader. Most often we are led by and blended with our parts, which are usually stuck in certain times, reacting to old situations, patterns. So what being more Self led might look like – which actually happened in a moment of calm – is that I recognized a very anxious part showing up. My usual reaction would have been to push him away, because who can function and get things done with anxiety running the show? Instead, I welcomed anxiety into the room and envisioned myself sitting on the couch with him. I had my arm wrapped around anxiety and was just sitting there with him. Did it make anxiety go away? Not exactly, but I let him know he wasn’t alone and gave him space to be. If he wanted to tell me something, anything – I was there to listen. The goal is not to get rid of parts as they all have a place. The goal is to let them have a voice and learn to trust the Self which is capable and able to lead the system. What is wild is that some parts don’t know other parts exist. So they may feel like they are the only ones trying to return the system to balance. That is a heavy burden to bear. Through this process, the goal is to unburden these parts.
Luckily I am a visual person and this way of thinking about my internal system works for my brain. It’s also important to work with someone who is certified in IFS. I worked with someone who had experience with it, but wasn’t certified. It never felt right and my parts never learned to trust him. I felt overwhelmed and responsible for tracking all my parts. That is my current therapist’s job and I’m grateful that she is tracking them. Sometimes I feel like there is an arena full of people inside all watching the same game, but having their own experience of it. Some are rowdy and energetic, while others are drunk and not focused on the game at all. Some are rooting for one team and feeling hostile towards the other team. Some may want to streak naked across the field, or curl into a ball overwhelmed by all the noise. Anyway, it can be a lot.
The point of this post though – I want to bring it back to the wise words and old actions. If I contextualize my experience with IFS, I am often blended with parts and sometimes the Self speaks, but the parts often act. It is a process and one that can be intense at times, eye rollingly frustrating at others, and relieving at yet other times. This is the current journey I’m on. Unburdening the parts. In addition to starting a Masters in Social Work program, continuing to work full time and parenting a neurodivergent kiddo. It’s a lot and in these moments of the inbetween, when the semester ends, work is out for the holiday and calm returns – I find myself much more able to access the Self. So in a busy life, how do we maintain peace and calm; and learn to rely on the Self instead of the parts that have kept us alive to this point?
